Cleanse and Be Merry! A Memoir by Yours Truly

About once a year, I start to feel the intensity of life pile on and my body takes the brunt of it. It’s my own fault and I take full responsibility. I work and play hard and eventually my body says, “hey there, you need to take better care of me so we can continue to adventure together.”

So, once a year I listen.  The reason I like this cleanse  because it’s flexible and the foundation is based  on The Miracle Gallbladder and Liver Cleanse. I recommend reading the book and taking it with a grain of salt. You don’t have to follow it verbatim and you cut out certain parts that you don't think will work for you. You can get it cheap as an e-book, or even borrow it for free from the library. It’s a quick and easy read.

Disclaimer: I am not a health practitioner  and what I say is based on my own personal research and experiences. This is my 4th cleanse. I grew up in a hippy haven, so I have been exposed to many alternative health movements throughout my life and experimented with many types of cleanses and fad diets (the master cleanse and the rose cleanse are some of the examples). I worked as an apprentice for a chiropractor and holistic medicine practitioner in high school and became very interested in nutrition and food as remedies and preventive healthcare from a young age. I took several nutrition classes (and health workshops) in University. I am an avid backpacker, so food as fuel is always incorporated into my daily routine. 

What I am about to divulge has worked wonders on my friends who recommended it to me, and I can say the same for myself. However, I am also aware that this particular cleanse might not have the same effect for every body.

My motto is, "if it’s broke, look at ALL possible solutions to fix it…and do what works best for you."

This is a summary of my experience. This is a very personal account and if you have health-related questions or concerns you should probably consult a couple doctors, a nurse,  an acupuncturist, a shaman and yourself before considering this.

Once a year, I try to restrict my diet so I can give my body a gift of eating well and only taking care of myself for one-week. I know I should do this for way more time, but this dedicated time helps me realize that and partially continue aspects of the cleanse into my everyday routine.

As Fyodor Dostoevsky said, “The second half of a man's life is made up of nothing but the habits he has acquired during the first half.”

The word “cleanse” is not entirely true for the whole process. In actuality, the first 6 or 7 days are preparation for the cleanse, and on the night of the 6^th or 7^th day you actually do the cleanse.

My process:     

• An 8-day vegan, gluten-free, room temperature diet. (what does room temp diet mean? Nothing was chilled, everything consumed, including drinks, were at room temp. or higher, apparently this is better for digestion).  
• Drink at least one liter (38 oz) of unfiltered apple juice a day. This seems like a lot, but over the course of a day it’s not that bad.
• Drink a lot of water!!!! (I added a tablespoon of Braggs Apple Cider Vinegar to all my water, because it’s known as a good health tonic)
• As a survivor of the MasterCleanse, I missed the “spicy lemonade” so I drank at least one liter of that for the first 5 days. It consists of: 
• 1 cup fresh-pressed lemon juice, a hardy dash of cayenne and a teaspoon of "Grade B" real maple syrup) 

I also limited my caffeine intake to one-cup of green tea a day. This was not as hard as I thought it would be and since the cleanse I have had much more energy.

I started the cleanse on a Saturday and finished it the following Sunday. I wanted to be at home for the actual cleanse and I’ll explain why in just a moment.

An 8-day gluten-free vegan room temp diet seems like it would be impossible, but if you like to cook, it’s really not. If you don’t like to cook, learn! You are what you eat and cooking is a valuable life-tool to have. I can teach you, it's fun! 

On the 7^th day is when I actually did the cleanse, which was a Saturday. They recommend you do not eat past 2pm. That was pretty hard for me, so I stopped eating at 5pm, and was cranky for the rest of the evening, so I stayed at home so no one else had to deal with me. you should do the actual cleanse on a weekend, or when you can be home all day, as you may experience slight "discomfort." 

SATURDAY

On that Saturday, drink apple juice in the morning, eat something light like oatmeal and/or fruit and only drink water (with a bit of apple cider vinegar) after 2 PM.  

6:00 PM   Prepare a jar of 32 oz. of water  (or 4 8 oz jars) mixed with 4 TBLS of Epsom salt (yuck, but necessary).  Drink 8 oz. of the jar at 6.  You can make these ahead of time and put them in fridge which takes the bitterness away. I also added a bit of lemon juice to mine because I hate the taste of Epsom salts.

8:00   Drink 8 more ounces of the salt water with a tinge of lemon juice.

9:30   The author suggests an enema or colonic at this point.  I did not dare do that, but might try it in the future. I just meditated and did some light yoga instead.

9:45   Squeeze enough grapefruits to make one cup of juice and mix thoroughly with the 1/2 cup of extra virgin olive oil.  They also suggest add a capsule of Black Walnut hulls, which I did because I figured it can’t get much grosser, so why not go all in. 

10:00   Drink the olive/juice mixture as quickly as possible and lay down. Lie perfectly still for at least 20 minutes and the author says to mediate and focus on encouraging your body to cleanse itself of toxins.  I tried to do that, but frankly I got bored, so I watched an informative documentary to nourish my mind while I cleansed my body.

THE NEXT MORNING (SUNDAY)

6:00 AM the next morning, drink 8 oz of salt water.  I set an alarm to make sure I did this. I stayed in an upright position helps push the toxins out by means of gravity.

I went the bathroom SEVERAL TIMES. This is what is supposed to happen between 6:00AM and 10:00AM and is the essence of the cleanse. 

I hate discussing bowel movements but it can best be described as passing water and small toxin-like stones through your rectum. It was very uncomfortable the first time I did this, but mostly because I was not used to my rectum passing water and stones through it. 

8:00-8:30 Drink the last 8 oz of salt water. After this, just relax and start the day off anew! 

10-10:30 I started with freshly pressed carrot-ginger juice, then fruit and added more foods throughout the day I kept the diet light as the stomach and system are sensitive. 

Update: It's been 4 days since the cleanse and I've only incorporated dairy and wheat back into my diet. Don't deny your stomach what it wants but be careful of going back to heavy animal fasts and dairy-packed goods, it might give you a tummy ache, and that is no fun.

I wasn’t able to follow the schedule that strictly, but the most important thing is to allow two hours between drinks so that your body will prepare.  There is a very small window of discomfort from the night before and the morning after.

So, cleanse and be merry if you dare, and if you have any questions, please feel free to ask away.